Be strong and balanced

Here I am...last Friday ...still a bit swollen but can pretend....a pretty good 'fromage' with a better expression than 2 weeks ago, right?

I hope this post finds you all in great spirits, with high energy and surrounded by love.

Sorry I have not written in a while...things have been mixed - relieved from wires, moving on, not moving on....yes, life's been a paradoxy in the past 3 weeks.

I had several doctor appointments and things are progressing slowly (at least for my pace of life)

I am doing wonderful (paradoxy)– to put things in perspective…..slowly healing – the mouth is much better without all the wires and archers – by 1,0000 x – the lips are not connecting very fast so I am still on the one medicine and some other mild ones, not as harsh as the Codeine. The teeth hurt as usual...about a '6" and i brush them very lightly...The chin will be numb for 5 more months, the bones will take 2 years to fully heal, I still cannot eat any solids, but I can open my mouth and stick one finger in ;o) – progress, progress!

My body I still pretty weak and managing to get rid of all the meds so it too is healing. –
I saw 3 other doctors at Stanford last week, in conclusion, my stomach is not doing well yet – it will come. My heart decided to rebel, but I have many more tests, thus far they found a heart murmur, it appeared after the second surgery – so I think we need to just monitor it. My immune system is a bit out of wack and my thyroid decided to stop working – (this last one is easy to fix with a little pill) –

For now, I will have to stay off work given all the medical conditions and that physically two surgeries do take a while to get strength back, I need to let my body catch up, and continue to be patient thru this healing process....still learning. I so much wanted to see my Cisco friends and family! I miss Cisco and the people so much.

As to what I have learned in the past 3 weeks is that pain continues to become my friend. Friends, as you know we choose. So its a play between what the body needs to do to repair and willful self-effort to overcome it. Half of it you have no control over, half of it is absolutely in your hands, and your actions will show measurable consecuences in how you feel the rest of they day. We are not entirely puppets of this pain nor are we the captain of the ship...its a little of both. I once read this and felt it was so much what I experience: We will gallop thru this recovery and pain as circus performers balancing on two speeding side-by-side horses, one foot is in one horse called 'fate' one is in one called 'free-will'...And the question you have to ask every day is - which horse is which? which horse do I need to stop worrying about because it's not under my control, and which do I need to steer with concentrated effort?

There is a lot about this pain that you cannot control, but you can control how you react to it. I can decide how I spend my time thinking about it or keeping busy, how I choose the words to describe this pain, (sometimes there are none), and where I focus my energy (in and out). So in the end, I choose what to read, who to interact with, what I eat...I can also choose how I regard unfortunate circumstances in my life...wether I will see them as obstacles or opportunities. At times, when I cant rise to the optimistic view of things, because the pain does take over...I remind myself, that in this situation, I CAN choose my thoughts....and send healing energy to my mouth.

This process reminded me of the Balenese culture. The Balenese are global masters of balance, the people for whom the maintenance of perfecdt equilibrium is an art, a science and a religion. Children are taught to approach all hardship and discomfort with a 'shining face", a giant smile (that would be pushing it for me, but you get my drift).

Havent found the prefect balance or magic formula....but i have reached an answer to my ever lasting question: so what can I do about this pain? Nothing, this is the nature of the body's process to heal, I now worry about my crazy head...and how to manage the mind, and this practice works the more intentionally I do it, it brings great peace to me and the healing process. This is the same concept as happiness...it is the concequence of personal effort...you fight and insist for it. You have to participate relentless in the manisfestation of your own blessings....I pray to God that I can hold on to peace & my blessings daily...and my family and closest friends continue to be a great force of inspiration.

My guru told me that the body is made up of more or less 5 elements: fire, water, wind, sky, and earth....to stay strong you must meditate on all these 5 and you will receive energy from all of these sources and you will stay strong. This is my practice daily -

So my experience is the same in the end, except I am confident it's better to be happy on this journey!

My blog has truly been therapy and the people who have read it and keep telling me..."hey, where are you? you havent written? what's up? - are truly what keep me going ....I have to share that this process will give you such gifts if you open your heart and mind to it....I realize that petty irrations that once maddened me, are no longer problems...and some amazing britght and beautiful people began to arrive into my world, some that had not surfaced for a while and that I had mistaken how much their friendship means to me.

Last, i wish there was a way to properly acknowledge my cherrished parents for all their kindness, great sense of humor and courage thru this last 3 months...I dont know how to ever express or demontstrate to them what it means. To my friends ...thank you for showing such tremendous human genorisity... regardless of wires, pain or closed 'lips' i will find a way to say 'THANK YOU'....to you - and I will do as long as I have a voice...I will forever and sincerely THANK YOU.

Anabelle